saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
please come you make the beer taste better
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
