You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
