At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
