Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
