she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
