what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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