According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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