Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
