Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
His nipple licking is glorious
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