i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
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