y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
