I think I won the penis lottery.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
