I met the friendliest cop last night
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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