you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
