He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
