that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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