I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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