I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
