i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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