non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
