3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
