i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
