Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sext me about skeletons
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
