I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
