i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
