ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
