youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
