3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I cockslap morals
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
