so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
