I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
