The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
