i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
