how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
