I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
