i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
barbara walters just said penis...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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