Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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