I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
