we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
