I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
