I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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