chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Enjoy the penises
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
