I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
