I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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