i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
