im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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