At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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