Texts From Last Night

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  (386): View more from Florida

  I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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  (386): I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music. http://tfl.nu/9pnm
  Replies (31) Good night (7989) Bad night (1477)
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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  (510): I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life. http://tfl.nu/v2uu
  Replies (5) Good night (1227) Bad night (2780)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.

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  (623): He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out. http://tfl.nu/ixyd
  Replies (14) Good night (1103) Bad night (2218)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.

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  (469): On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve. http://tfl.nu/bmil
  Replies (3) Good night (1471) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.

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  (612): Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked. http://tfl.nu/oddr
  Replies (8) Good night (1615) Bad night (764)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It turns out my teeth are bleeding.

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  (+44): Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become. (+44): It turns out my teeth are bleeding. http://tfl.nu/m4n5
  Replies (4) Good night (678) Bad night (2054)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass

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  (301): I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass http://tfl.nu/ww71
  Replies (3) Good night (902) Bad night (570)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.

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  (574): He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle. http://tfl.nu/u8g2
  Replies (4) Good night (459) Bad night (1205)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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  (215): i came so hard i kicked through my windshield http://tfl.nu/sfns
  Replies (9) Good night (2512) Bad night (580)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness

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  (256): Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness http://tfl.nu/eegc
  Replies (1) Good night (747) Bad night (317)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol

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  (610): I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol http://tfl.nu/5mb9
  Replies (4) Good night (511) Bad night (865)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.

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  (518): I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive. http://tfl.nu/rul5
  Replies (7) Good night (2253) Bad night (744)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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  (810): I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me. (1-810): All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one. http://tfl.nu/rkvc
  Replies (4) Good night (1350) Bad night (329)
• Favorite

  (424): View more from California

  at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went

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  (424): at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went http://tfl.nu/cfyi
  Replies (0) Good night (497) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend

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  (248): Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend http://tfl.nu/qb9e
  Replies (0) Good night (399) Bad night (185)

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