Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
