actually, I'm a sock model
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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