bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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