he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
