listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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