i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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