The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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