I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
