the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
