thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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